May 30, 2020
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ALL MEN ARE CHEATERS  (read till the end)

This was one of my BIGGEST CORE beliefs.

and guess what? I WAS RIGHT. All men did cheat.

At least for my reality that was the case- I got cheated on, one way or another.

But only because I chose that truth for myself. 

I WAS RIGHT… because my brain was so good at selecting evidences that support this belief and ignoring evidences that disprove it.

It all started as a story.

I grew up witnessing and hearing about my father’s affairs … (yes with S, in plural form)

At first It was hurtful. It broke my heart to know that my father had affairs. And I wanted to blame “the other woman”. It happened so many times, over and over again… that it’s not even surprising to hear more women added to these stories.

I stopped counting. 

So what do you do when The fist Masculine influence in your life teaches you that it’s unsafe to trust? 

I believed him.

It became part of my core beliefs to NEVER trust a man with my heart. To expect men to disappoint and fail me. 

The story became too familiar. It was what I’ve always known. It was my reality And, ironic as it may seem, it was what felt ‘safe’.

It was scarier to be wrong with a deeply embedded belief….THAN TO BE CHEATED ON.

So I perpetuated this belief.

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CHAPTER 2: MY LOVERS AND MY SELF SABOTAGE

The funny thing is…

My exes (at least most of them 🥱) were actually really amazing human beings and good men (Of course, I have taste and an unrealistic set of standards).

All the men I’ve loved before (and even until now) have been wanting and trying to prove me wrong.

BUT I WAS TOO PRIDEFUL TO BE WRONG.

And so I made cheaters out of these men, even when they were not… just so I can be right and keep the belief that I held on to so dearly.

“If you look at the world through a dirty lens, everything you see will be dirty.” 

And so, I saw all men stained with this bias no matter how “clean” they are.

So what would happen when the relationship starts feeling too safe, too stable…

And most especially when they WERE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE….

THE MOMENT I START FEELING TRULY, RIGHTFULLY LOVED AND RESPECTED…. (Fuck me this is a big AHA moment as I’m writing this)

I would start sensing some sort of restlessness within me. 

The feeling of being loved and having a faithful, trustworthy partner was so unreal, so strange to fit in my beliefs of what’s true and possible….

What was happening is that the experiences of these contradictions made me DOUBT my core belief (that all men are jerks and cheaters)….

Back then, my beliefs and my identity were one and the same- inseparable…. and so doubting my beliefs WOULD MEAN DOUBTING WHO I WAS…

This is when my insecurities would slowly start creeping in…

💔 And I would start pushing my partner away.

💔 Creating drama by finding fault when there’s none.

💔 Exaggerating petty fights and piling them up like a secret hidden weapon to use as granades against my partner.

💔 I would stalk their social media and even sneak into their phones and scroll from conversations as far from 5 years ago (even before we even met) to “look for” incongruencies in their stories.

TO ASSURE MYSELF… NOT OF THEIR LOYALTY, BUT THE OPPOSITE… to prove THAT I WAS RIGHT.

‘You only find what you’re looking for, whether you’re doing it consciously or subconsciously.’

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CHAPTER 3:  AWARENESS AND REALISATIONS

Obviously I wasn’t doing these things subconsciously. 

They were patterns coming up, fueled by fear and pain from unhealed emotional wounds.

Because guess what, If 5 of your ex partners have cheated on you- they have one common denominator- YOU. ( This is more for me than for anyone else)

This is not some victim-blaming shit or what. 

This is about ownership of my participation in the unhealthy dynamics of relationships that I’ve co-created.

As harsh and confronting it may be for some….

A perpetrator can not exist without a victim.

So… If you’ve been cheated on by men… let me ask you….

🤔 DID THEY CHEAT ON YOU BECAUSE THEY WERE CHEATERS? 

🤔 OR DID YOU LOOK FOR CHEATERS TO BE CHEATED ON? 

OR WORSE DID YOU HELP CREATE CHEATERS OUT OF GOOD MEN (like me)?  😭😭😭

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Are you also guilty of holding on to something so one sided, so irrational and so biased, that you start creating your own reality to continue to prove to yourself that you are right?

I questioned, upto what extent will I stay in this story and BE RIGHT?

I knew:
 👉I had to stop playing this toxic game with my ego.
 👉I wanted to believe in a real happy love story.
 👉healthy relationships do exist.

And when I went FULL on my ego-death journey 2 years ago…

I met someone who is consciously and openly practicing nonmonogamy…

When we met, he had an on going relationship-ish with about 5 other women.

at first I didn’t know  or else I would have stayed as far away as I possibly could 

WHEN I CAUGHT MYSELF IN THAT OLD BELIEF PATTERN and consciously made a decision to question the truth of that belief….

AND CHOSE DIFFERENTLY.

I GAVE UP BEING RIGHT, TO BE HAPPY.

IT WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST PROOF OF HOW POWERFUL MY BELIEFS ARE IN MANIFESTING AND SHIFTING MY EXTERNAL REALITY.

This relationship…. with a person who is perfect at proving me RIGHT (that all men cheat)….

ACTUALLY PROVED ME WRONG.

Did he do it?

Or did I become okay with being wrong, and change my beliefs?

Or did we both create this new relationship?

***** TO BE CONTINUED when I’m inspired to write again. 

P.S.

If you’re too lazy and skipped to the end (like I would do), here are your gold bits:

✅ Be mindful of your beliefs.

✅ Be mindful of the stories you tell yourself.

✅ Be willing to be wrong.

Your beliefs dictate your reality, and so to change your reality, you must be willing to consciously dissect, inspect and change your beliefs.  💯

Awareness is always key.

 

 

love and light,
x Sarah

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